My 2nd Most Personal Song; The #19th Best Song Ever!

The countdown continues of what I think are the best twenty five songs ever! I will also send out some honorable mentions, but these songs speak to me deep inside at a place that only music can reach. It is a place where the melody and words combine in such a way that it tells a story that only you understand. It is as if the song writer…. in this case the very talented James Blunt….. crawled deep in my soul and pulled out my feelings one by one, before I could even give them words.  What will number one be? Ha! Ha! Nope! It is not “Low Man’s Lyric”. Though in the top five, I bet you had it all figured out. You will have to wait and see. 😉

This song is perhaps the second most personal to me, though musically, as a musician, I had to put it at nineteen because it was not quite as musically strong as the other eighteen before however…. it does touch me so deep. I had not listened to it for a while so when I pulled up the You Tube video, I teared up. I finally figured the words out! I cracked the code! I never quite figured out why the words made sense to me, but they just fell into place…. a lost soul who could never get it right. No matter how hard he tried, it just was not good enough.  So, I am going to go through some of the lyrics and explain.

The song is “Same Mistake” by James Blunt (where has this great talent been?). I am the queen of great, huge mistakes so they had me at ‘mistakes’. However, I have prided myself for quite some time on the progress I have made over the years on learning about why I made some of the mistakes I made and how to try not to repeat those mistakes. Oh, I make plenty of mistakes every single day. Find me a human being that does not and I will sell you desert land in Ireland. However, I also feel I have lived the last ten years under a microscope…. in some cases a witch hunt. For a few people, held to expectations I now know I will never reach or even if I do, I will make the ‘same mistake’….. not the same mistakes I made, but I will make mistakes  (not the biggie, but I will make mistakes and therefore find a reason for them to say, “See, she has not changed”)….

So lets dissect this song:

“Same Mistake” Lyrics
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.

~~~~~~~~~

I have trouble sleeping nearly every night for two reasons; pain & anxiety. I dread the late night…. not nights next to my amazing husband; cuddling as we watch our shows while we talk and laugh. I dread the late night while he slumbers and I rarely do. I replay why I live life under the judgmental microscope and why even bother trying to improve if there is no second chance? Makes no sense. If I had energy, I would likely drive around and clear my head. But we are talking 2 AM and gas is costly, so I stay put. So “There is no place for me to… go”

*************************************

My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he’d seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.
I’m not calling for a second chance,
I’m screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don’t give me choice.

‘Cause I’ll just make the same mistake again.

~~~~~~

The lines up to “….enemy. Said s/he looked just like me” speak for themselves…. heavy heart, etc. Enemy is me; yes, I made the mistakes…. and make no excuses; but I am human and big or little a mistake is a mistake and I have worked so hard. I am still my own enemy tho; I am SO hard on myself, have NO self-confidence and believe I have no purpose on this earth.

Now “I’m not calling for a second chance, I’m screaming from the top of my voice. Give me reason but don’t give me choice.” I finally got that line this morning. I am begging for a second chance but not getting one. But I am saying if I get one, I will be in a no-win situation anyway because I will be held to such tight standards, I will be set up to fail before I am even given the chance, so tho I will *NEVER* make the mistakes of a decade past again….. and I can say that with complete certainty, I can also be certain that if I am not loved enough to be given a second chance after all the effort I have put in, I will be set up to fail before I am ever even given the chance. I feel that way already to an extent…. I feel like I cannot make the right conversation, though I try so very hard; cannot get a Facebook like, even on a cat picture; cannot get a text return or e-mail return. It hurts, but what do you do? I know I was mad at my Dad for a few years for not ‘rescuing’ me from my alcoholic Mom. I actually treated him much the same…. not for a bloody decade though! I am actually taking his approach now. I am worthy of respect and love. I did make mistakes, yes, but that does not make me any less worthy of love, respect and worth. Period.   He did tell me he should have been more aggressive about things. I know he did the best he could. When my Dad passed away in 2007, we had never been closer in our lives.

My Mom did things when I was a child that make my mistakes look like I stole a piece of bubble gum from Wal-Mart. But she was a very hurt, broken person. Underneath was a good heart, intelligence that would amaze people, beauty that would light up a room, creativity and love. She just had a lot of problems and refused, unlike me, to seek help for them.

************************************************************
And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don’t buy the promises ’cause, there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BRILLIANT writing here!  This means, you cannot sweep things under the rug. You cannot just forget all the past because some parts are painful. I try to talk about the past (the good parts… not all the time, just here and there) and it should not be painful! There were a lot of good, wonderful times! Why is it we tend to get stuck in the ugly painful memories? I did for years and it took the death of my parents to realize that there was bad but there was also so much good! Sure, I have a lot of anxiety and my own bag, heaping over full of baggage. But I am also the most caring, compassionate person you will *ever* meet. I am a free-spirit bohemian and if I could run (sometimes I can barely walk), I would frolic on the beach like a flower child. I would fit perfectly in San Francisco. I did not get to be this way without some good in my past. So rather than dwell on the ugly, I choose to remember the good, and it completely changed the way I viewed my childhood and instead of spinning my wheels and wasting years of precious time in therapy mucking through the past, I can concentrate on working on myself now and becoming a better Kelli for now and the future. It is all about God, my husband, my kids and of course…… my precious Granddaughter. Now she is the one person in the world that does NOT see the mistakes. I can just be “Mammo” and the most pure, relaxing, amazing and stress relieving time I have each month is time with my perfect, precious Granddaughter who loves her silly Mammo just the way she is.

So that is why this song is so amazing. That is why this song is so very personal. But most of all, I will make mistakes for the rest of my life. So rather than try to walk on glass and be perfect, I am going to try to be the best child of God I can be and be who He wants me to be. He forgives AND forgets yet we cannot do the same for each other. Pity really. So enjoy the 19th greatest song ever. And take a deep look inside the creature that is Kelli.

Until next time. K.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdJOUZgeKV0

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